The dream in your heart might be bigger than the environment you're in
Sometimes you might have to get out of the environment in order to grow.
Went into my cousin's jewelry store yesterday and had a revelation!
His entrance has those double doors.... You know the ones where You open the door
But for security reasons, the exterior / first door has to close before the interior door will open.
I didn't get it at first, being a big girl small spaces are a problem for me, so I didn't close the exterior door before attempting to open the interior one.
The security guard had to remind me that the interior door wont open until I close the exterior door.
Well in that short moment, my mind began to race, my heart started to thump, because it meant I would be (even for those very short seconds) confined into that small space between the two doors.
Right after entering the store I got the biggest aha of all time!
Life is like that!
Sometimes you are so stuck between your past and your future that you can't go either way.
No matter the period of time, long or short, it still feels bad!!!
You need to realize you cant "hold on" to the past (the exterior door) because you wont be able to move forward (interior door)!!!
You have to deal with the "tightness" and uncomfortability of letting go, to be able to move forward!
But once you're through... It's as Beautiful as a room full of diamonds!!!
Laurie A Alves
Monday, February 3, 2014
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Fortitude
I came upon a Beautiful Soul who's musings and thoughts are insightful... You should check him out!
UNTIL IT DOESN’T.
It hurts until it doesn’t.
You fail until you don’t.
It doesn’t stop until you do.
Success demands fortitude.
Courage, Relentless passion, And the ability to endure.
"Because it always looks impossible until it’s not."
It seems impossibly hard until it’s not.
It feels awkward until it doesn’t. ~~ Dan Waldschmidt
Monday, March 11, 2013
Who do you want to be?
So this morning I was able to catch up on my Super Soul Sunday. I missed Dr Robin yesterday and wanted to be able to give it my full attention. So watched the interview today.
So far I have a Question: Who do you want to be?
In hindsight I always thought that I was at my best when I was newly widowed, taking care of myself, and my son, by myself. Living a "good" life. I was happy. I enjoyed the having dinner every night with my son, I so enjoyed Sunday afternoons with my Mom. I didn't have a dime. I was working 30 hours a week, just barely getting the bills paid but I was happy.
I remember taking a ride to the beach and just sitting there. I felt so blessed. It was March and there I was sitting on a beach at 7pm, it was still light and not freezing. I was Happy. I felt I was "doing it".
Now by other people's standards I was a "Poor Widow" who couldn't work full time because I needed to be in town and on time to have dinner with my son every night. I had to be the constant. I had a car, but it was borrowed and never knew when or if I'd be bale to use beyond getting back and forth to work.. Didn't know if I'd make the rent every month...."Poor Girl".
But I didn't feel that way.
So my question is:
Who do you want to be? Do you want to be happy for what makes YOU happy?
Or do you want to be "Happy" with what "Others" say you should be Happy with?
Life is all about Perception, but the only perception that makes any difference is truly yours!
You are the Star of Your life, but only a secondary character in everything else.
*This article also Featured in BoomerBuzz Magazine
So far I have a Question: Who do you want to be?
In hindsight I always thought that I was at my best when I was newly widowed, taking care of myself, and my son, by myself. Living a "good" life. I was happy. I enjoyed the having dinner every night with my son, I so enjoyed Sunday afternoons with my Mom. I didn't have a dime. I was working 30 hours a week, just barely getting the bills paid but I was happy.
I remember taking a ride to the beach and just sitting there. I felt so blessed. It was March and there I was sitting on a beach at 7pm, it was still light and not freezing. I was Happy. I felt I was "doing it".
Now by other people's standards I was a "Poor Widow" who couldn't work full time because I needed to be in town and on time to have dinner with my son every night. I had to be the constant. I had a car, but it was borrowed and never knew when or if I'd be bale to use beyond getting back and forth to work.. Didn't know if I'd make the rent every month...."Poor Girl".
But I didn't feel that way.
So my question is:
Who do you want to be? Do you want to be happy for what makes YOU happy?
Or do you want to be "Happy" with what "Others" say you should be Happy with?
Life is all about Perception, but the only perception that makes any difference is truly yours!
You are the Star of Your life, but only a secondary character in everything else.
*This article also Featured in BoomerBuzz Magazine
Friday, April 20, 2012
Doing the "Right Thing"
Remember when I said that Someone's own perception of their life might not be as it seems to others? I also have come to realize that people react toward others under their perceptions, not always on truth or fact.
Don't people ever stop and wonder what the "truth" really is in a given situation? How about just "doing the right thing"? Oh wait, there is no "right thing" in any situation. The "right thing" is defined as whatever is right for that person. Free Will. Anybody is allowed to do as they please. There are only constraints put in place by consequences set out by (society). The choice is a personal one.Who gave "Society" the power to deem any act "right" or "not right"? The only thing for me would be when there is an "illegal" act. But even then, the defense lawyer brings about "reasons" why the act is justifiable. Who's to say what is "right" in any case, in any situation? Are we to say God???
What if you don't believe there is a God? Do you still conform to doing what is "right"?
"What is right" is what *feels* right inside. Whatever makes it easy to sleep at night. Whatever makes your heart at peace. Even for those "conscience-less" people, who fervently defend their words and actions with deflection, blame and justification there is a time when they have to lay down their heads to sleep or summate the entirety of their lives while on their death beds.
I've seen it time and time again...Words left unspoken. Apologies and hurt feelings left hanging in the balance.
I can honestly say with every spec of my being I have very few regrets. And have no "should-have's" to speak of. I actively live with a passion for peace in my heart. I wholly believe in karma and know that there will come a time to make peace and my heart is clear.
I pray for anyone and everyone who thinks that their day won't come. People that cast off other's feelings as trivial and relationships as vehicles of personal gain. I pray that they learn sooner rather than later so they can experience the peace that a life purposefully lived can bring.
Don't people ever stop and wonder what the "truth" really is in a given situation? How about just "doing the right thing"? Oh wait, there is no "right thing" in any situation. The "right thing" is defined as whatever is right for that person. Free Will. Anybody is allowed to do as they please. There are only constraints put in place by consequences set out by (society). The choice is a personal one.Who gave "Society" the power to deem any act "right" or "not right"? The only thing for me would be when there is an "illegal" act. But even then, the defense lawyer brings about "reasons" why the act is justifiable. Who's to say what is "right" in any case, in any situation? Are we to say God???
What if you don't believe there is a God? Do you still conform to doing what is "right"?
"What is right" is what *feels* right inside. Whatever makes it easy to sleep at night. Whatever makes your heart at peace. Even for those "conscience-less" people, who fervently defend their words and actions with deflection, blame and justification there is a time when they have to lay down their heads to sleep or summate the entirety of their lives while on their death beds.
I've seen it time and time again...Words left unspoken. Apologies and hurt feelings left hanging in the balance.
I can honestly say with every spec of my being I have very few regrets. And have no "should-have's" to speak of. I actively live with a passion for peace in my heart. I wholly believe in karma and know that there will come a time to make peace and my heart is clear.
I pray for anyone and everyone who thinks that their day won't come. People that cast off other's feelings as trivial and relationships as vehicles of personal gain. I pray that they learn sooner rather than later so they can experience the peace that a life purposefully lived can bring.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Acceptance
Just a weird morning:.....
I woke today with a cloudiness. I have no recollection of what I dreamt, no idea what the basis for this "fog" is...but nevertheless I can't clear my mind. My heart is on the verge of a good cry...don't ask me why..it just is...I sat for a while had a cup of tea and quieted myself to try to get some sense of it.
I thought about nothing...concentrated on the quiet...and then the picture became as clear as a 70 inch HDTV!
I am about to go on a trip. A vacation of sorts. 10+ days seeing people who have judged me and expected things of me, my entire life.
I know in order to feel mercy and acceptance I first have to accept myself. I honestly thought I lived that creed. So why am I so anxious? These people don't pay my bills. Their opinion has never changed 1 iota of my life. What they think of me is not a game changer for me in anyway...Is this truly the issue?
I think my fog is really more of walking the talk...Am I ready? Do I really accept myself?
Well...Yes. I accept that I have had faults, I have made mistakes but I have also never intentionally hurt anyone. So yes, I accept myself just as I am..dyed grays & thunder thighs and all!
Ya know, Psalms 139 says "He knows words that we have not yet uttered". He accepts us. It may be because he knows the outcome, it may be just because He made us. The only true unconditional love we ever receive comes from Him. I'm good with that.
I know I am not what other people want me to be..or think I should be. I also know, I have done the best I can, with the tools I have been given. I know people and events come into my life so that I may learn from them. I do the best I can. I learn what I can, and I move on. So there it is... Mind cleared.
You either join me in my journey by accepting me the way I am, or step aside as I move on, because I plan to Enjoy the ride.
I woke today with a cloudiness. I have no recollection of what I dreamt, no idea what the basis for this "fog" is...but nevertheless I can't clear my mind. My heart is on the verge of a good cry...don't ask me why..it just is...I sat for a while had a cup of tea and quieted myself to try to get some sense of it.
I thought about nothing...concentrated on the quiet...and then the picture became as clear as a 70 inch HDTV!
I am about to go on a trip. A vacation of sorts. 10+ days seeing people who have judged me and expected things of me, my entire life.
I know in order to feel mercy and acceptance I first have to accept myself. I honestly thought I lived that creed. So why am I so anxious? These people don't pay my bills. Their opinion has never changed 1 iota of my life. What they think of me is not a game changer for me in anyway...Is this truly the issue?
I think my fog is really more of walking the talk...Am I ready? Do I really accept myself?
Well...Yes. I accept that I have had faults, I have made mistakes but I have also never intentionally hurt anyone. So yes, I accept myself just as I am..dyed grays & thunder thighs and all!
Ya know, Psalms 139 says "He knows words that we have not yet uttered". He accepts us. It may be because he knows the outcome, it may be just because He made us. The only true unconditional love we ever receive comes from Him. I'm good with that.
I know I am not what other people want me to be..or think I should be. I also know, I have done the best I can, with the tools I have been given. I know people and events come into my life so that I may learn from them. I do the best I can. I learn what I can, and I move on. So there it is... Mind cleared.
You either join me in my journey by accepting me the way I am, or step aside as I move on, because I plan to Enjoy the ride.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Today, I wish you enough...
Today I was blessed to see a tweet from Paulo Coelho.
He is a mentor of mine who shares such wonderful thoughts with his friends and those who follow him. His love and thoughfulness amazes me sometimes. If you ever have the chance you might want to read a book of his "The Alchemist".
Will Smith was an impetus for my coming to Paulo. For this I will be forever thankful!
The story the Alchemist shares the journey of a young man who is on a path of learning. He comes to know patience and the ability to listen to the universe and what it is telling you. He develops faith and the ability to recognize "treasure".
The tweet I refer to is from an email Paulo Coelho quotes on his blog: "Paulo Coelho's Blog"
"I wish you enough"
The story is about a Father and Daughter's Goodbye at an airport.
His last words to her were "I love you. I wish You enough".
The person listening is trying not to intrude, but cannot help herself and approaches the "father" after the daughter departs. As the father looks out of the window at the departing plane, she asks "Excuse me sir, I don't mean to intrude, but I overheard you say to your daughter "I wish you enough". Can I ask what you meant by that? .....
Read Mr Coelho's Blog...the answer is entrancing. "I wish you enough"
He is a mentor of mine who shares such wonderful thoughts with his friends and those who follow him. His love and thoughfulness amazes me sometimes. If you ever have the chance you might want to read a book of his "The Alchemist".
Will Smith was an impetus for my coming to Paulo. For this I will be forever thankful!
The story the Alchemist shares the journey of a young man who is on a path of learning. He comes to know patience and the ability to listen to the universe and what it is telling you. He develops faith and the ability to recognize "treasure".
The tweet I refer to is from an email Paulo Coelho quotes on his blog: "Paulo Coelho's Blog"
"I wish you enough"
The story is about a Father and Daughter's Goodbye at an airport.
His last words to her were "I love you. I wish You enough".
The person listening is trying not to intrude, but cannot help herself and approaches the "father" after the daughter departs. As the father looks out of the window at the departing plane, she asks "Excuse me sir, I don't mean to intrude, but I overheard you say to your daughter "I wish you enough". Can I ask what you meant by that? .....
Read Mr Coelho's Blog...the answer is entrancing. "I wish you enough"
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Make Obstacles a Catapult for your Journey..instead of an Excuse to stop.
What an eventful week this has been. I am so happy to be able to relay some new revelations that have come about in my life. I so hope it inspires you to know that no matter how low things get, IT WILL GET BETTER!
If you have been following my blog, you know that I have been journalling my journey, my path and my outlook for approximately 5 months. In this journal I have outlined some very key factors that have changed my outlook on things and on the way my perception (the way I see things), when changed can effect my life in very REAL ways. (ie: "If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."~Dr Wayne Dyer)
I have personally spoken to so many people in the last few months who have said "Gee, I never looked at it that way". This inspires me to move forward, and keep journalling. Make no mistake about it, This has been a LooooNG and drudgerous road. I have documented many, many misteps and I'm sure I will make a few more. Just yesterday, the closest person to me compared me to Dr Dyer and said "Even Dr Dyer says anger is not effective". This person had been screaming for 3 hours..and was upset that I finally said "STOP" in no uncertain terms. LOL
This is something I want to point out. Something I think many people get caught up in. The "I would do better if it wasn't for so and so".. mantra. I think the revelation in my mind today was brought about by something I heard from "Pastor Joel Osteen". Not necessarily a religious revelation but a thought about "obstacles" or "perceived obstacles". A Person can get so caught up in the "details" of everyday life that the "big picture" gets lost.
Example: Fighting with someone. If you are a person in a relationship, girlfriend / boyfriend, man / wife, sister / brother, parent / child, boss / employee, colleague / colleague, you know that "fighting" is emotionally draining, most of the time futile, and a downright waste of precious time. But our ego says "I am RIGHT" so it matters to point that out, and fight for it. If you know in your heart your right, what difference does it make if everyone else knows? And if you know your wrong, why bother fighting? apologize first thing, and move on. A perfect example of this was a friend came to me and said "I'm sorry..." I immediately said, Ok. Immediately I then moved on to ask a question completely unrelated to the subject. My friend became extremely frustrated with me. He said, "You don't know what I'm sorry for". I answered "Does it matter? How about we go with You're sorry, I forgive you, I love you, Next....?" He became so frustrated he went on and on for hours again! I asked many times, why it was so important that he explain and essentially dump his feelings of guilt on me? Why couldn't he just allow me to forgive him and move on? He said "Because that's not the way it's "suppose" to go." 'Well", I said, "It's the way it goes with me..now can we move on?" The time spent duking it out is so much better spent doing something you enjoy or something productive. Sometimes it's hard for people to get over the "details".
Keep walking with me...Stop whining, Stop crying, and as they say look for the "New Door" that has opened. It's there. We need to choose how we look at things, and understand that every moment wasted on whining, crying and victimizing ourselves is a moment lost on the path forward. If we choose to think "Things happen FOR me, instead of things happen TO me"...We have taken one step Forward today. Every journey is taken ONE step at a time..if we cried yesterday, we learned why not to today :) Everyday is a new chance to start over.
Move Forward! I am proof that it works! We are on the way!
Have a Great Week!
If you have been following my blog, you know that I have been journalling my journey, my path and my outlook for approximately 5 months. In this journal I have outlined some very key factors that have changed my outlook on things and on the way my perception (the way I see things), when changed can effect my life in very REAL ways. (ie: "If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."~Dr Wayne Dyer)
I have personally spoken to so many people in the last few months who have said "Gee, I never looked at it that way". This inspires me to move forward, and keep journalling. Make no mistake about it, This has been a LooooNG and drudgerous road. I have documented many, many misteps and I'm sure I will make a few more. Just yesterday, the closest person to me compared me to Dr Dyer and said "Even Dr Dyer says anger is not effective". This person had been screaming for 3 hours..and was upset that I finally said "STOP" in no uncertain terms. LOL
This is something I want to point out. Something I think many people get caught up in. The "I would do better if it wasn't for so and so".. mantra. I think the revelation in my mind today was brought about by something I heard from "Pastor Joel Osteen". Not necessarily a religious revelation but a thought about "obstacles" or "perceived obstacles". A Person can get so caught up in the "details" of everyday life that the "big picture" gets lost.
Example: Fighting with someone. If you are a person in a relationship, girlfriend / boyfriend, man / wife, sister / brother, parent / child, boss / employee, colleague / colleague, you know that "fighting" is emotionally draining, most of the time futile, and a downright waste of precious time. But our ego says "I am RIGHT" so it matters to point that out, and fight for it. If you know in your heart your right, what difference does it make if everyone else knows? And if you know your wrong, why bother fighting? apologize first thing, and move on. A perfect example of this was a friend came to me and said "I'm sorry..." I immediately said, Ok. Immediately I then moved on to ask a question completely unrelated to the subject. My friend became extremely frustrated with me. He said, "You don't know what I'm sorry for". I answered "Does it matter? How about we go with You're sorry, I forgive you, I love you, Next....?" He became so frustrated he went on and on for hours again! I asked many times, why it was so important that he explain and essentially dump his feelings of guilt on me? Why couldn't he just allow me to forgive him and move on? He said "Because that's not the way it's "suppose" to go." 'Well", I said, "It's the way it goes with me..now can we move on?" The time spent duking it out is so much better spent doing something you enjoy or something productive. Sometimes it's hard for people to get over the "details".
There's one other point to know. Sometimes people are put in our lives to catapult us to the next level of awareness. Truly everyone we come in contact with, is in our life to teach us something. The sooner we accept this the easier it is to accept people's differences. This is something that will further us on our path of awareness. For instance, What would David had been without Goliath??? If David had not come against his strongest enemy would he have been the man he became? Need something more powerful? Ok, JESUS...where would Jesus be without Judas? Ok, I know this is severe, but realistically...Judas was a disciple! He was a Close confidant. He betrayed Jesus and because of this Jesus was Crucified! Jesus then became the redeemer of the Earth! Ok maybe a strong reference, but look over history, there are a million stories of people who were told they couldn't do something or pushed out of something, or betrayed, or fired on someone's whim, only then to Forge through to make their own way and do phenomenally better!
 |
| Image by Karen Swim |
My point is..Life has struggles. Life has obstacles. Without them we can't appreciate the upside. The only reason I can say this is because I have been there and I continue to forge on the path.
Move Forward! I am proof that it works! We are on the way!
Have a Great Week!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Happy New Year
Happy New Year Everyone...
I am happy to say that coming into this New Beginning I am elated to have found my Bliss.
I can't say that I didn't know it beofre, I just didn't know it was IT!
As my readers know I have been moving through some different things to understand my path in life.
For some this has been a tough time, because the persona they know of me, has always been the stable steadfast, do the right thing, take care of everyone else, kind of person. In the last year and a half or so, I have been cut off. I have taken care of nobody. I think I wanted to see if I had anyone to take care of me. What I found was that if I am of no use to anyone, they have no use for me. I guess I understand that in a way. I at this point in my life have resolved that if a person I come in contact with, ( family, friend or foe) adds nothing of a positive nature to my life, I reserve myself to a minimum of contact with this person, if any at all. I have just recently realized in myself to be a "fix-it" person. I was always the person to help, or do, or be there. and in some way this was my downfall. I became tired, resentful and bitter. Not fun!
As I have learned along this path of self induced social restriction over the past 16 months or so, is that a person can find in themselves what they are looking for in others. I needed this. I kept trying to be everything to others so they would want and need me..never realizing they weren't doing anything, but drain from me.
In that, I have found something that has always made me feel good. Something I am fantastic at and something that brings me more Joy than many things in my life. Cooking! I have started to share my love of Cooking and Writing together in, "Food Blogging" and I'm good at it!
Food is Love my blog site, has really taken off for me. I have dabbled in cooking and "food pictures" in the past to mediocre results, but I think it just wasn't the right time. It seems now that I have centered myself and found a reason and a purpose. It just is all falling into place.
I recently was featured as a "Guest Blogger" on The World of Book Reviews" , I have attained a significant following on "Food Buzz"..(45 followers in 5 days) and am aiming to be a Featured Publisher there in a few weeks. I was accepted by "Foodie Blog Roll" in 1 Day as opposed to up to several weeks by normal protocol. The point is.. I am happy and it is evident to me that this is the right direction.
This week from January 1st -3rd,
I am participating in the New Year Smash with other writers who are promoting their Blog. Please take a moment to look at the blog roll at the right of this page to support my colleagues. Please also stop by my Blog "Food is Love" for a very special Promotional Giveaway.
I can't Thank You enough for the Support !!!
Hope in the New Beginning the New Year Brings..
Take the time to know yourself as I did.
There is a Very Special Person waiting to Love you back the way only you know how!
Many Blessing my Friends...I look forward to a wonderful future inspiring you!
I am happy to say that coming into this New Beginning I am elated to have found my Bliss.
I can't say that I didn't know it beofre, I just didn't know it was IT!
As my readers know I have been moving through some different things to understand my path in life.
For some this has been a tough time, because the persona they know of me, has always been the stable steadfast, do the right thing, take care of everyone else, kind of person. In the last year and a half or so, I have been cut off. I have taken care of nobody. I think I wanted to see if I had anyone to take care of me. What I found was that if I am of no use to anyone, they have no use for me. I guess I understand that in a way. I at this point in my life have resolved that if a person I come in contact with, ( family, friend or foe) adds nothing of a positive nature to my life, I reserve myself to a minimum of contact with this person, if any at all. I have just recently realized in myself to be a "fix-it" person. I was always the person to help, or do, or be there. and in some way this was my downfall. I became tired, resentful and bitter. Not fun!
As I have learned along this path of self induced social restriction over the past 16 months or so, is that a person can find in themselves what they are looking for in others. I needed this. I kept trying to be everything to others so they would want and need me..never realizing they weren't doing anything, but drain from me.
Food is Love my blog site, has really taken off for me. I have dabbled in cooking and "food pictures" in the past to mediocre results, but I think it just wasn't the right time. It seems now that I have centered myself and found a reason and a purpose. It just is all falling into place.
I recently was featured as a "Guest Blogger" on The World of Book Reviews" , I have attained a significant following on "Food Buzz"..(45 followers in 5 days) and am aiming to be a Featured Publisher there in a few weeks. I was accepted by "Foodie Blog Roll" in 1 Day as opposed to up to several weeks by normal protocol. The point is.. I am happy and it is evident to me that this is the right direction.
This week from January 1st -3rd,
I am participating in the New Year Smash with other writers who are promoting their Blog. Please take a moment to look at the blog roll at the right of this page to support my colleagues. Please also stop by my Blog "Food is Love" for a very special Promotional Giveaway.
I can't Thank You enough for the Support !!!
Hope in the New Beginning the New Year Brings..
Take the time to know yourself as I did.
There is a Very Special Person waiting to Love you back the way only you know how!
Many Blessing my Friends...I look forward to a wonderful future inspiring you!
Friday, December 17, 2010
Holiday Stress?? Don't take it Personally....
As we enter Christmas Week, the air is getting thick with anxiety and trepidation. You hear all around you the words "Holiday Stress". These words are touted around the water cooler, in the newspaper and on the Evening News, as an outbreak of the latest disease. Let's address the idea of "stress". Stress is defined here as : "Emphasis" importance or significance attached to a thing. It goes on to describe this "stress" as "a specific response by the body to a stimulus, as fear or pain, that disturbs or interferes with the normal physiological equilibrium of an organism". The most integral definition I found was the mechanical one: "An action that causes strain or deformation".
Wow! Holiday "Stress" is it really that bad? Are we really wanting to attach such a detrimental label on an occasion that brings families together to celebrate a Holiday? Let's break this down.
In America, we spend the months of November and December fretting and anticipating the idea of gathering with friends and family, exchanging gifts, listening to music, spending time at events, having conversations and experiencing the joy that is Christmas. Why should this bring "stress"? The answer is pretty simple.
We anticipate the worst outcome. "Oh my God, I have to go to the Mall. It's going to be packed, I'm going to have to park in Guam, it will take forever, I will spend too much and they won't even like what I get anyway." Tell me you are not putting this thought out there! You know you are!
It's really not that bad. If we just stop and not take this so personally we might get through unscathed and shockingly enough "ENJOY" the season. Let's take it issue by issue:
Shopping: There are several issues within this one small task. Traffic, Parking, Crowds, Long Lines & Item availability. My ideas are simple. First, please be organized. Know what you need before you even start out. Know what your looking for a list helps. Perusing the sale pages helps too. That's a great start.
The Drive: Take a moment as you get in the car. Sit in the drivers seat, before you put on your seat belt, and take a deep breath, eyes closed. Prepare your mind, Prepare your heart. Take one step at a time. Address only what is right in front of you at the moment. After the deep breath, say out loud to yourself and anyone who may be with you. (yes the child in the car seat and the teenager and most definitely the growling spouse) I (we) am going to enjoy this ride. I am going to get to where I am going easily and find a front parking space. Affirm this. Make a point of knowing in your mind exactly what you ARE going to do. This sets you up for success, as in anything else your universe takes your direction. Then put your favorite music on the radio. Strap in and glide to your destination without incident. The most important part of this is that you BELIEVE this. Know it is true. I can tell you from experience it most definitely works. I do it every time I leave my house.
The Store: Ok, you are now sitting in your front parking space amazed...but smiling. As you park, turn off your car (so the person cursing you behind you knows he should have had a better attitude before he left home), Take another deep breath, be grateful say thank you then affirm for the next step. "I am going to greet everyone I see with a smile. Everyone I come in contact with will be pleasant and happy to assist me. I will find everything I need and get out in a timely fashion." Smile and believe this to be true. Get out of your car and walk into the store. Smile. It's Christmas! A few things to be mindful of: Be careful of your
expectations of the people who work in the stores. Smile always, be pleasant. It will be refreshing to the employee and you will get better results. Ignore the environment. Feel bad for those who are not enjoying their experience. Feel good for yourself. Feel good that you can and will have a pleasant experience. It is YOUR choice. Make it a good one. Lastly, When you are done and sitting in your car smiling with amazement, say THANK YOU. Now affirming for the drive home should be a breeze!
Family Gatherings, The Relatives and
The Office Party:
Here's a thought: Life in general is an experience lived by individuals. Each person lives their life through their own view. People live in their own world, in their own story. They invest all their faith in that story, and that story is truth for them, but it’s a relative truth, because it’s not truth for you. If you can see that all their opinions about you really concern the character who lives in their perception, not in yours it would be harder to take anything they say personally. The "you" they are judging in your name is a character they have created with their perceptions of interactions with you. Whatever people think of you is really about the image they have of you, and that image isn’t you. No matter which way you look at it, People are going to think what they think. Even with your best intentions at hand, you cannot change another person. So, in this vain, Enjoy your life for YOU. Do what You feel is right, and do the best you know how to do. Nobody can expect more of you. If they do, they were expecting more than they should have, and it's on them. Not your issue.
The Bottom Line: Enjoying the Holidays is a choice as in everything else. Don't put expectations on yourself. Just enjoy the moment. If you expect to enjoy them you will! Just as if you expect to hate it You will! Just make the right choice. You are only responsible for your experience.
Happy Holidays my friends.
In America, we spend the months of November and December fretting and anticipating the idea of gathering with friends and family, exchanging gifts, listening to music, spending time at events, having conversations and experiencing the joy that is Christmas. Why should this bring "stress"? The answer is pretty simple.
We anticipate the worst outcome. "Oh my God, I have to go to the Mall. It's going to be packed, I'm going to have to park in Guam, it will take forever, I will spend too much and they won't even like what I get anyway." Tell me you are not putting this thought out there! You know you are!
It's really not that bad. If we just stop and not take this so personally we might get through unscathed and shockingly enough "ENJOY" the season. Let's take it issue by issue:
Shopping: There are several issues within this one small task. Traffic, Parking, Crowds, Long Lines & Item availability. My ideas are simple. First, please be organized. Know what you need before you even start out. Know what your looking for a list helps. Perusing the sale pages helps too. That's a great start.
The Drive: Take a moment as you get in the car. Sit in the drivers seat, before you put on your seat belt, and take a deep breath, eyes closed. Prepare your mind, Prepare your heart. Take one step at a time. Address only what is right in front of you at the moment. After the deep breath, say out loud to yourself and anyone who may be with you. (yes the child in the car seat and the teenager and most definitely the growling spouse) I (we) am going to enjoy this ride. I am going to get to where I am going easily and find a front parking space. Affirm this. Make a point of knowing in your mind exactly what you ARE going to do. This sets you up for success, as in anything else your universe takes your direction. Then put your favorite music on the radio. Strap in and glide to your destination without incident. The most important part of this is that you BELIEVE this. Know it is true. I can tell you from experience it most definitely works. I do it every time I leave my house.
Family Gatherings, The Relatives and
The Office Party:
The Bottom Line: Enjoying the Holidays is a choice as in everything else. Don't put expectations on yourself. Just enjoy the moment. If you expect to enjoy them you will! Just as if you expect to hate it You will! Just make the right choice. You are only responsible for your experience.
Happy Holidays my friends.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Everyone has a story...so?
Through all of my reading lately I have come to know one thing. Not everyone realizes what it means to say "Everybody has a story". Contrary to popular belief a person's "story" is not their "real" life experience. It has come to my attention that people don't even realize they are here to "experience" life. They walk through life getting through the tasks. They are just numbing their way through. Just muddling through, day after day with no particular enjoyment or realization that time is passing.
People live with mantras. Stories they tell themselves to get through events. These mantras escape the confines of their mind sometimes in the form of excuses and explanations. They don't even realize their doing it. It's funny that once you actually come to understand what this experience is all about, the way you look at people and the way they act becomes very interesting. You begin to hear and see people in a very different light. Others become more of a learning experience.
Here's my take on this:
The perception that the events that occur in our life, are what
define our life, is not only wrong but the easy way out. For example a woman might say, "I will never find the right guy because my father physically abused me." or "I have never found a good job, I'll always be poor because my resume is terrible". "I didn't get my degree, so I'm not successful".
"I got married early and when the children came along I didn't have time to do what I wanted". These are Mantras. Stories we tell ourselves and anyone else who'll listen, to explain why we have given up. Why we muddle through each day with no intent and no vigor for the "gift of life" we have been given.
These stories are the "excuses" we use to justify our actions in our hearts and in our minds. This doesn't make them TRUE.
The incidents and events that have happened are just that. Events. They do not define our life in any way.
If you choose to hang on to those excuses you have decided to make them valid. It still does not change the fact that YOU made the decision NOT to do what you wanted to do.
So as I come to this realization and I now, have to ask myself "What are my Mantras?" Tough question.
This means if I have these Mantras, I have to recognize them. That also means if I recognize them as Mantras I have to either dispell them or justify keeping it. Oh no! This means that the stories I have been telling myself
for so many years, has to change??? Does this mean I have to own up to the fact that I have always made every decision?
This is a tough path...Lets take this one slowly.
Ok, my first Mantra. I was a Daddy's Girl, but he left when I was 13 and this screwed up my life forever. I now was a single parent child, now poor and no longer spoiled. My life was ruined! I was going to go to public school, have to move..etc... Ok, Ok, I know...nothing that happens when you are 13 dictates what happens "the rest" of your life.
I also realize, the marriage rate is >50% divorced in this country. I'm not that different from anyone else. So I guess that "Mantra" is gone!
2nd Mantra: I had to LPN out of College because my husband got sick and I had to go to work. He then died and I never got the chance to become an RN. Hmmmm, this is a tough one. I truly believe I did the right thing, here.
But I guess it's not completely true. I guess I could have taken the money I made, and have well paid for myself to go and finish my degree. What does this mean though? What does this truly mean? Did I NOT want to become an RN?
Looking at it today.. I would have to say yes. I DID NOT want to be an RN. Can I answer why? Nope. I really don't know.
I have others, but those 2 were biggies for Me. Now the rest of the questions come into play. So, if I don't WANT to be an RN, what do I want? How do I know? Where do I start? For God sakes.. I'm too old to not know what I want to be when I grow up...aren't I?
At this moment in my life, I am looking at MY Experience. My experience has been what I have made of it.(or not)
Right or wrong, I made every decision, I took or didnt take every step that lead to where I am right now.
The only thing I can do is make sure that every step from this moment on is what I Want. I have to know I am the only person living MY experience.
I spoke to someone this week, who said that it is only HUMAN to "feel" for people. That's interesting, but the only thing I can say is, from what I have learned, EVERYONE makes their own decisions. I can feel bad that a person doesn't know what's good for them or exactly what they want for themself. As I didn't. But to allow my empathy to change my experience in any way shouldn't happen. I act in kindness. I don't laugh at anyone's expense. I am open to every person in my life, As I know they are there to teach me something. But I now can draw the line when it "depresses me or angers me" to the point where it could ruin my day. I will not allow anyone that power. I want to be Happy. I know at least that much.
Next time: What do people see when they see me? How do the people that truly know me, see me? What are they thinking, when they think of me? How does this affect me? How does it enter into my decision making? Should it have any influence on how I make decisions? Things to talk about...
People live with mantras. Stories they tell themselves to get through events. These mantras escape the confines of their mind sometimes in the form of excuses and explanations. They don't even realize their doing it. It's funny that once you actually come to understand what this experience is all about, the way you look at people and the way they act becomes very interesting. You begin to hear and see people in a very different light. Others become more of a learning experience.
Here's my take on this:
The perception that the events that occur in our life, are what
define our life, is not only wrong but the easy way out. For example a woman might say, "I will never find the right guy because my father physically abused me." or "I have never found a good job, I'll always be poor because my resume is terrible". "I didn't get my degree, so I'm not successful".
"I got married early and when the children came along I didn't have time to do what I wanted". These are Mantras. Stories we tell ourselves and anyone else who'll listen, to explain why we have given up. Why we muddle through each day with no intent and no vigor for the "gift of life" we have been given.
These stories are the "excuses" we use to justify our actions in our hearts and in our minds. This doesn't make them TRUE.
The incidents and events that have happened are just that. Events. They do not define our life in any way.
If you choose to hang on to those excuses you have decided to make them valid. It still does not change the fact that YOU made the decision NOT to do what you wanted to do.
So as I come to this realization and I now, have to ask myself "What are my Mantras?" Tough question.
This means if I have these Mantras, I have to recognize them. That also means if I recognize them as Mantras I have to either dispell them or justify keeping it. Oh no! This means that the stories I have been telling myself
for so many years, has to change??? Does this mean I have to own up to the fact that I have always made every decision?
This is a tough path...Lets take this one slowly.
Ok, my first Mantra. I was a Daddy's Girl, but he left when I was 13 and this screwed up my life forever. I now was a single parent child, now poor and no longer spoiled. My life was ruined! I was going to go to public school, have to move..etc... Ok, Ok, I know...nothing that happens when you are 13 dictates what happens "the rest" of your life.
I also realize, the marriage rate is >50% divorced in this country. I'm not that different from anyone else. So I guess that "Mantra" is gone!
2nd Mantra: I had to LPN out of College because my husband got sick and I had to go to work. He then died and I never got the chance to become an RN. Hmmmm, this is a tough one. I truly believe I did the right thing, here.
But I guess it's not completely true. I guess I could have taken the money I made, and have well paid for myself to go and finish my degree. What does this mean though? What does this truly mean? Did I NOT want to become an RN?
Looking at it today.. I would have to say yes. I DID NOT want to be an RN. Can I answer why? Nope. I really don't know.
I have others, but those 2 were biggies for Me. Now the rest of the questions come into play. So, if I don't WANT to be an RN, what do I want? How do I know? Where do I start? For God sakes.. I'm too old to not know what I want to be when I grow up...aren't I?
At this moment in my life, I am looking at MY Experience. My experience has been what I have made of it.(or not)
Right or wrong, I made every decision, I took or didnt take every step that lead to where I am right now.
The only thing I can do is make sure that every step from this moment on is what I Want. I have to know I am the only person living MY experience.
I spoke to someone this week, who said that it is only HUMAN to "feel" for people. That's interesting, but the only thing I can say is, from what I have learned, EVERYONE makes their own decisions. I can feel bad that a person doesn't know what's good for them or exactly what they want for themself. As I didn't. But to allow my empathy to change my experience in any way shouldn't happen. I act in kindness. I don't laugh at anyone's expense. I am open to every person in my life, As I know they are there to teach me something. But I now can draw the line when it "depresses me or angers me" to the point where it could ruin my day. I will not allow anyone that power. I want to be Happy. I know at least that much.
Next time: What do people see when they see me? How do the people that truly know me, see me? What are they thinking, when they think of me? How does this affect me? How does it enter into my decision making? Should it have any influence on how I make decisions? Things to talk about...
What label do you allow to define you?
Who is the target of this webpage? Is this truly a BBW acceptance Magazine? or is this just another Mass Media push for Weight loss products, hidden in the guise of "whats good for you"?
The Tag line for the Magazine is "The Power of Plus".
Hold on, "The power of Plus"? To make weight loss programs wealthy?
What power are you instilling if your biggest advertiser is a Weight loss ad??? The power to feel inferior and not good enough? What this should mean is that your readers should know enough to not be your audience!
Where is the empowerment? Where is your loyalty to your "brand"?
Someone didn't get the memo.
Unfortunately the perception in the World is that being a Plus Size Person means that you should "want" to be thin. You should want to spend every last dollar you work so hard for on changing yourself because someone else thinks you should look differently.
This perception is so wrong.
What plus sized people really need to do is stop feeding this mantra!
Stop perpetuating this lie and start perceiving themselves as being worthy of positive media attention. How enlightening it would be to see a list of website choices that shine a light on Plus sized people who are Self assured, Active and living life. The best way to enjoy life is to Live it!
Tell me, when was a carrot stick and a 10 mile run in the confines of a ranch dedicated to the brainwashing of a plus sized person much more than a 6 month waste of life?
Although I agree that their needs to be a movement, I disagree about what exactly that movement should be.
Here's another thought: Who is complaining about obesity? Who is the loudest force in the media saying there is an "obesity crisis"? Insurance companies! They are complaining that "fat people" use more medical insurance dollars than any other demographic group. For one thing this cannot possibly be true. I know many many "fat people" and the last place they want to be is in a doctor's office. This is the place where they are not only unaccepted they are taunted and prodded to change. The Nurse comes in and tries to take your blood pressure with a "child-size" b/p cuff and then huffs and whines when she has to go out of the room to get a real cuff. She then hands you a "paper gown" that only covers the front side of you and tells you to sit on the cold table, where the paper covering sticks to your backside and makes a crinking sound when you breath. The doctor then comes in and look at you, smiles and says, "How's the diet? Lost any weight this year? I have a wonderful new medication, and a cousin who owns a gym! Should work wonders!" He then goes on to look at your chart, sees that your blood pressure is normal, you have no diabetes, havent had a visit in a year and walks out of the room without coming near you, for fear of catching what ever disease you have that caused you to be fat in the first place! No, insurance companies, we are not lining up for this stellar treatment! Your insurance dollars are not used by us. They are probably being wasted on the housewives who are using your dollars to fix whatever maladies they have from the breast implant repairs they have had to do. Or the senior citizens who instead of using the free bus to go to the park and enjoy their golden years, are parked in the Dr's office waiting all day for the new BP medicine the pharmaceutical company is peddling through the Dr's office this week.
In the last few months I have been using the mantra. "What you think about & talk about, you bring about". So, for me talking about the "obesity crisis" is off limits. I like to think more on the vain of, I am healthy, I am active and I am living my life. I deserve my place in the world as much as everyone else.
I was born a miracle as much as anyone else. I am a gift from God here for a purpose and by God I am going to live out that purpose.
My wish for my "fat people" community a peace in your heart that comes from knowing you are the best person for the job, the prettiest girl at the party, and the first pick for best friend, because you know what it's like to overcome a stigma that is acceptable in this world.
I refuse to waste my precious time not living my life because someone else
decides what's good for me. I will continue being Healthy, Active and have lots of Fun doing it. Let the models worry about the carrot sticks.
I'm off to the beach!
Back to the socks again????
Yesterday I mentioned in passing that I thought my boyfriend should pick up his socks from the bathroom floor. Remember how I said that I found out that he "Shouldn't because he Doesn't" Well there's a little more to that story. I have to again reiterate an argument is NEVER just about the socks, and if we realize that before we start "grumbling and bitching and moaning" and taking precious time and happiness out of our lives for the sake of SOCKS. We truly can look at it as JUST SOCKS! Not through the barrage of thoughts flowing through the mind coming from left field....
So, if I want the socks picked up from the floor, then I can do it. Seems kind of passive. And when I first started learning about this new path, I thought Oh, God..here we go, If I want something done I have to do it. Nobody else needs to be accountable for themselves. I had to look at it again and again and again. I'm kinda stubborn like that. I get an idea in my head and its concrete. It's needs "jackhammering" to get it out. I could not get my head or my heart around the idea that someone shouldn't do something just to make ME feel better. I kept having thoughts in my head, "If he loves and respects me, he will be more thoughtful". Boy was that a farce. Really? He doesn't love me or respect me because he leaves the socks on the floor? I put other things in there too...like Oh my God, socks on the floor again??? He does this on purpose! He knows I'm going to pick this up! HE just leaves it there for me to do! Just reading that statement makes me laugh. Just like I'm sure he has thoughts in his mind something like, "God, if she loved me more she'd realize that I need more sex and she should want to give it to me so I don't have look anywhere else. I should have an affair. She doesn't love me enough to keep me happy in the bedroom anyway!" May seem extreme but, the 2 sets of statements are similarly outrageous!
Yes there are authors who say "Give and take" are what make a happy relationship. And in some way I agree. I agree, that when you feel validated and listened to in a relationship you like spending time with that person. But if you are truly happy, deep within happy, the relationship will mirror that. Your innerspeak is the beginning of the peace you need. You don't have to do a thing but change the way you think. Moreover, I think that my understanding of the human psyche has proven to me that the freedom received from forgiving someone for not being what YOU want them to be is much more reliable. I needed to stop applying my expectations to another human being. If I have a need or want, that has to be met, then I am the one who needs to fulfill it. Only I KNOW for sure how to do that.
Now, some would say, if I fulfill all of my own needs, why do I need a life partner? Ahhhhhhhh, I truly don't NEED a Life Partner. I want a relationship. I want emotional bonding. I want someone to talk with, someone to share experiences with. As a whole, Humans are social animals. We don't thrive well alone. Too much time alone makes us the cat hoarding people.
We simply should just recognize that being with someone isn't the food of life. It isn't what fulfills us. It's not the "completion" process. Being with someone is an addition to an already wonderful life experience. An additional person can add a different view of things, companionship, someone to share with. All too often we use these people as validation of success in ourselves. "I have a great marriage!" the woman exclaims as her husband is seen checking out the blonde across the room. If we just internally validate and believe that we are all that we need to be and are doing everything WE need to be doing in the way WE need to be doing it, then we would be so much more at peace and fulfilled with our Lives.
We need to do whats right for us! This is MY life. I get ONE shot. One performance. One screening. When I am on my death-bed, looking over the footage and pictures of the years of my life, I want to know that it was MY experience. Not one I lived for someone else. If I had someone at my side along the way that shared in it then I was truly Blessed! If not then it was a wonderful ride anyway..
Why should I choose to give my one life experience to someone else? It really comes down to that. The CHOICE. Everything is a CHOICE.
Did I do what I wanted to do with my time on earth? Did I enjoy my life? Did I choose the best life I could have? Nobody else makes those choices for us! NOBODY. No matter the situation, you ALWAYS have a choice. Yes ALWAYS! Yes, even with someone holding a gun to your head, YOU have a choice. It is my choice to seek the BEST life experience possible. I owe that to ME. Hope you make that same choice.
Next time:
I see and hear only through the filter of my story. My world, my life, my experience is only my perception.
Related Articles
- It's Not About Me (joelcomm.com)
Who Died and Made me Emily Post...cont.
I made me Emily Post.
I decided I was going to be my boyfriend's Mother, Teacher, Mentor and Life Coach. Didn't he know there were rules to being in my life? Didn't he know that I was going to tell him how to live his life? Poor man, He didn't know. He didn't know that I had "rules". Funny, I didn't know I had a "rules" either... I had some questioning to do...When something isn't working for me, I'm like "Columbo". (A 1970's TV detective). Just "one more thing". I need an answer. I need to understand. I ask questions...Sometimes to a fault...I just NEED to understand. When I question something and look at it closely.. The first thing I ask is: "Really"? "Can it be verified"? If in this case what I'm questioning is my "thought" then I need to find out if it's true. If my thought in this matter cannot be validated (backed up) then the "thought" just isn't true.
"Byron Katie" (author of the book: Loving What Is) calls this "inquiry".
Inquiry is defined as: "The process by which we question or challenge our thoughts". <giggle> Byron Katie has a label for my obsession with understanding :)
Anyway...This process can be an uncomfortable one. When we question ourselves and something we have believed for a long time to be true, we can become very uncomfortable with the upheaval that this "belief distortion" can cause in our mind. We build a foundation of learning experiences into our minds as "Fact" or "beliefs". This is a process from about the age of 6 or 7. Our mind previous to that is our own. It's merely a function of brain maturity. The brain of a 3 or 4 yr old hasn't been told that putting a peanut butter sandwich in the vcr is wrong. They simply have not had enough experience in the world to know certain things. It's trial and error. But as we grow, the process where we socialize and become more interactive with our parents, teachers and mentors, we learn those little things we call "suppose to's" and "shoulds". This is the "Underworld" or the "foundation" of our "belief system". Our "foundation in the beginning is built on little things. Example: A 3 yr old child runs naked through a dinner party. The parent's immediate response is to say "NO. Dont ever do that again. Dont ever embarrass us again".
What does the child learn?
Running through the living room is bad. Period. Naked isn't even a concept...Embarassment isnt remotely a concept. Those are the parent's issue. The child learns those type of lessons from Parents, Mentors, teachers etc.. As children we learn that the people who are here (on this earth) before us know "the way". We don't question it. We assume the roles they lay out for us. The foundation is layed.
Now as teenagers and adults, we learn that the foundation may be flawed. Nobody's fault. No blame here. Our parents, teachers, grandparents, etc... did as those who went before them. The foundation isn't entirely flawed, but may have some cracks. When this realization comes about there can be some very real turmoil.
Remember the movie "Carrie"?
What did Carrie's mother say when she wanted to go to the High School Dance? AAAARRRMAGEDON!!! It's kind of like that. Chaos! The end of life as we know it!
Your mind and body react to "assaults" to it's foundation in that very same way.You feel like a traitor. You feel like you are betraying your "belief system". Here's the rub: If inquiry shows that a part of our "foundation" may be flawed then we may find that the (foundation) doesn't support Reality. This now causes a shift in the way we view Everyday Life. The truth of the matter is we are all individuals. We all grew up in different houses. We may have grown up in the same community, so we have some similarities in the way we were raised, but for the most part we are different.
We all are responsible for ourselves.
The "shoulds" and "supposed to's" don't apply to anyone but us. If this is what You identify with, then it is Your "should", not anyone else's. Byron Katie explains that statements including the words "should" are false, because it isn't.
Example; My boyfriend should pick up his socks and not leave them on the bathroom floor. This statement is false. Do you know why? Because he doesn't. Period. He doesn't. It is that simple. This leaves me a few choices. Do I pick up the socks because it will drive me insane to have socks on the bathroom floor, or do I scream and yell like a scorned mother and shame this grown man into picking up his socks causing resentment and anger for however long it lasts, (arguments always start with socks but never end there, do they?) Or, do I simply leave them right where they are and go on with my life??? The bottom line is what do I want in my life.
What choice am I making for my life at this moment?
In my life right now today. I want peace. Peace is at the forefront of my being. So, sometimes I pick up the socks and sometimes I don't. Sometimes He actually does. It's not life altering, but it's also not an issue I choose to brood over or even pay attention to. Because what we pay attention to in our lives we bring about more of! Do I want more issues about socks??? Oh for God sakes, No of course not! I want to enjoy my life. I want to remain at peace and be happy. The truth is, that even the life altering things give us choices...their just harder to see at first, but we can find them if we look closely enough. Just call on your inner Columbo!
Tomorrow: "Back to the socks again...?"
I decided I was going to be my boyfriend's Mother, Teacher, Mentor and Life Coach. Didn't he know there were rules to being in my life? Didn't he know that I was going to tell him how to live his life? Poor man, He didn't know. He didn't know that I had "rules". Funny, I didn't know I had a "rules" either... I had some questioning to do...When something isn't working for me, I'm like "Columbo". (A 1970's TV detective). Just "one more thing". I need an answer. I need to understand. I ask questions...Sometimes to a fault...I just NEED to understand. When I question something and look at it closely.. The first thing I ask is: "Really"? "Can it be verified"? If in this case what I'm questioning is my "thought" then I need to find out if it's true. If my thought in this matter cannot be validated (backed up) then the "thought" just isn't true.
"Byron Katie" (author of the book: Loving What Is) calls this "inquiry".Inquiry is defined as: "The process by which we question or challenge our thoughts". <giggle> Byron Katie has a label for my obsession with understanding :)
Anyway...This process can be an uncomfortable one. When we question ourselves and something we have believed for a long time to be true, we can become very uncomfortable with the upheaval that this "belief distortion" can cause in our mind. We build a foundation of learning experiences into our minds as "Fact" or "beliefs". This is a process from about the age of 6 or 7. Our mind previous to that is our own. It's merely a function of brain maturity. The brain of a 3 or 4 yr old hasn't been told that putting a peanut butter sandwich in the vcr is wrong. They simply have not had enough experience in the world to know certain things. It's trial and error. But as we grow, the process where we socialize and become more interactive with our parents, teachers and mentors, we learn those little things we call "suppose to's" and "shoulds". This is the "Underworld" or the "foundation" of our "belief system". Our "foundation in the beginning is built on little things. Example: A 3 yr old child runs naked through a dinner party. The parent's immediate response is to say "NO. Dont ever do that again. Dont ever embarrass us again".
What does the child learn?
Running through the living room is bad. Period. Naked isn't even a concept...Embarassment isnt remotely a concept. Those are the parent's issue. The child learns those type of lessons from Parents, Mentors, teachers etc.. As children we learn that the people who are here (on this earth) before us know "the way". We don't question it. We assume the roles they lay out for us. The foundation is layed.
Now as teenagers and adults, we learn that the foundation may be flawed. Nobody's fault. No blame here. Our parents, teachers, grandparents, etc... did as those who went before them. The foundation isn't entirely flawed, but may have some cracks. When this realization comes about there can be some very real turmoil.
Remember the movie "Carrie"?
What did Carrie's mother say when she wanted to go to the High School Dance? AAAARRRMAGEDON!!! It's kind of like that. Chaos! The end of life as we know it!
Your mind and body react to "assaults" to it's foundation in that very same way.You feel like a traitor. You feel like you are betraying your "belief system". Here's the rub: If inquiry shows that a part of our "foundation" may be flawed then we may find that the (foundation) doesn't support Reality. This now causes a shift in the way we view Everyday Life. The truth of the matter is we are all individuals. We all grew up in different houses. We may have grown up in the same community, so we have some similarities in the way we were raised, but for the most part we are different.
We all are responsible for ourselves.
The "shoulds" and "supposed to's" don't apply to anyone but us. If this is what You identify with, then it is Your "should", not anyone else's. Byron Katie explains that statements including the words "should" are false, because it isn't.
Example; My boyfriend should pick up his socks and not leave them on the bathroom floor. This statement is false. Do you know why? Because he doesn't. Period. He doesn't. It is that simple. This leaves me a few choices. Do I pick up the socks because it will drive me insane to have socks on the bathroom floor, or do I scream and yell like a scorned mother and shame this grown man into picking up his socks causing resentment and anger for however long it lasts, (arguments always start with socks but never end there, do they?) Or, do I simply leave them right where they are and go on with my life??? The bottom line is what do I want in my life.
What choice am I making for my life at this moment?
In my life right now today. I want peace. Peace is at the forefront of my being. So, sometimes I pick up the socks and sometimes I don't. Sometimes He actually does. It's not life altering, but it's also not an issue I choose to brood over or even pay attention to. Because what we pay attention to in our lives we bring about more of! Do I want more issues about socks??? Oh for God sakes, No of course not! I want to enjoy my life. I want to remain at peace and be happy. The truth is, that even the life altering things give us choices...their just harder to see at first, but we can find them if we look closely enough. Just call on your inner Columbo!
Tomorrow: "Back to the socks again...?"
Who died and made me Emily Post?
Ok, so I have a question: When did I become my partner's teacher, mother & manners coach?
Why is it up to me to correct this person when he is rude? Who gave me the job of showing a grown man that he isn't the center of the universe. Who made it my job to point out this person's "bad behavior"? Who am I to tell him that it is completely self centered to walk in a room where someone is reading, blurt out words and expect a response? Why is it my job to tell someone that his everyday plights are not my business and although I empathize with him, I dont understand why it is my job to make him feel better about them. Especially when he never does this for me. Why does it bother me? Why is it an issue? Am I just impatient? Am I too critical?
Why do I care if this person is rude? What is rude? Who defines it? Why is it an afront to me personally?
Is it because of MY culture? Is it because of what I think is RIGHT vs what he thinks isn't a "big deal"?
Maybe someone else has a different belief. Does that make their belief or mine more important? Is the issue important at all?
Boy am I perplexed.
I have been away from writing for a while. A blurb here and there, but only because I truly am not finding an answer.
I may not have be looking in the right place... Seems that to find the answer to some of these questions, I need to look somewhere inside of myself. A book, an article, a blog is not going to tell me why I make myself the judge of all creation! Who am I? How did I become so righteous? Is there no place for difference of opinion? What about patience? Kindness?
Guess I'll finish reading and try to get it all straight. Wish me luck!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
In need of Inspiration...
Sometimes along the journey we stall. It happened to me this week. Usually I get uninspired or doubtful when I hit a bump in the road. I have become more enlightened, but I still stumble, as I'm sure everyone does. I continue to read and listen to my mentors, but it becomes drone like. When this happens I need a new voice.
I found myself today looking for that new voice. I didnt know what message I was looking for. Maybe some affirmation? Maybe some intuition?
I am pretty crafty at finding sources. In my reading I learned about Louise Hays. She wrote the book : "You can Heal your life". Seems like exactly the type of thing I'm looking for. I found the ebook...but wanted something a little more immediate.
I found it!! I'm sharing it with you: Enjoy!!!
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JxKUAjsxSk8]
I found myself today looking for that new voice. I didnt know what message I was looking for. Maybe some affirmation? Maybe some intuition?
I am pretty crafty at finding sources. In my reading I learned about Louise Hays. She wrote the book : "You can Heal your life". Seems like exactly the type of thing I'm looking for. I found the ebook...but wanted something a little more immediate.
I found it!! I'm sharing it with you: Enjoy!!!
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JxKUAjsxSk8]
Journeys and Paths...
When you have inspired thought, you have to trust it, and you have to act on it.
Everyone seems to have there own reason for doing what they do to make there way in life. So many people are motivated by the end result that they lose sight of the journey. I read a book recently that most would balk at as a philosophical piece that is nice to read, but not worth the time spent to read it. I so disagree. Although most philosophical pieces are full of inspiration and light hearted thoughts this piece makes sense.
The writer takes you on a journey with a man who has lost all hope in himself. His family is drowning in debt and lost all faith in him. This writer takes you and this man through a journey where you follow the path always traveled. The path to making others successful. Our "daily grind", as it were.
The man in the book, always saw others who attained their goals as "lucky" or "smarter" or "having less integrity" than he. How many of us have come upon people like that in our lives? People who appear to "have it all"? Of course we have. Did we ever stop to see that this person's journey, might not have been the same as ours. Did we ever stop to think "I want my own journey"? Did we ever think we were brave enough to get off the beaten path and forge our own journey? We wake up everyday with the same opportunity everyone else does. We wake up with the opportunity to continue on being comfortable in what we KNOW or we can decide to forge a NEW journey where we KNOW we will attain our Goal.
A few months ago I chose the latter. I chose my GOAL. I didnt ask anyone's permission. I saw it. I believe it. I do it EVERYDAY, and So can you!
Belief in yourself and knowing what you want, is the key to getting it done. The ability to truly know what you want is all you need. Knowing what you want will bring on the way to get it. You first have to KNOW what you want.
Write down your goals, this makes it easier to visualize. Keep reading it. Set the words to memory. Visualize your dream accomplished. This makes your dream a reality in your subconscious. Convincing yourself that you have what it takes to accomplish your goal is 95% of the work. We are our own worst critic. We have to train ourselves to be our own promoter. Nobody wants to see you succeed more than you!
Help everyone else know, you are that person. You are a success!
Realize that the naysayers are people on the well traveled path of making other people successful.
They are afraid to take your journey. They are afraid to be on their own, on a road they have never traveled. Of course they have never traveled it, they have never been successful!
You are on a brave journey. You are on a journey to success. As you get to know this road, it will become familiar to you, so that you will never need to go back in the other direction. This road will be more comfortable. This road will be the easier way to get to your goal. You have the GPS!
Remember, everyone thought Columbus was crazy!
Misery loves company someone said... ever wonder where that came from?
We want happiness, not misery. We want to love what we do and be successful while doing it! We deserve the comfort and happiness that comes with doing something you love. Simple as that.
Believe in yourself. The goal and the way will show itself once you do.
You deserve it & It WORKS!
Everyone seems to have there own reason for doing what they do to make there way in life. So many people are motivated by the end result that they lose sight of the journey. I read a book recently that most would balk at as a philosophical piece that is nice to read, but not worth the time spent to read it. I so disagree. Although most philosophical pieces are full of inspiration and light hearted thoughts this piece makes sense.
The writer takes you on a journey with a man who has lost all hope in himself. His family is drowning in debt and lost all faith in him. This writer takes you and this man through a journey where you follow the path always traveled. The path to making others successful. Our "daily grind", as it were.
The man in the book, always saw others who attained their goals as "lucky" or "smarter" or "having less integrity" than he. How many of us have come upon people like that in our lives? People who appear to "have it all"? Of course we have. Did we ever stop to see that this person's journey, might not have been the same as ours. Did we ever stop to think "I want my own journey"? Did we ever think we were brave enough to get off the beaten path and forge our own journey? We wake up everyday with the same opportunity everyone else does. We wake up with the opportunity to continue on being comfortable in what we KNOW or we can decide to forge a NEW journey where we KNOW we will attain our Goal.
A few months ago I chose the latter. I chose my GOAL. I didnt ask anyone's permission. I saw it. I believe it. I do it EVERYDAY, and So can you!
Belief in yourself and knowing what you want, is the key to getting it done. The ability to truly know what you want is all you need. Knowing what you want will bring on the way to get it. You first have to KNOW what you want.
Write down your goals, this makes it easier to visualize. Keep reading it. Set the words to memory. Visualize your dream accomplished. This makes your dream a reality in your subconscious. Convincing yourself that you have what it takes to accomplish your goal is 95% of the work. We are our own worst critic. We have to train ourselves to be our own promoter. Nobody wants to see you succeed more than you!
Help everyone else know, you are that person. You are a success!
Realize that the naysayers are people on the well traveled path of making other people successful.They are afraid to take your journey. They are afraid to be on their own, on a road they have never traveled. Of course they have never traveled it, they have never been successful!
You are on a brave journey. You are on a journey to success. As you get to know this road, it will become familiar to you, so that you will never need to go back in the other direction. This road will be more comfortable. This road will be the easier way to get to your goal. You have the GPS!Remember, everyone thought Columbus was crazy!
Misery loves company someone said... ever wonder where that came from?
We want happiness, not misery. We want to love what we do and be successful while doing it! We deserve the comfort and happiness that comes with doing something you love. Simple as that.
Believe in yourself. The goal and the way will show itself once you do.
You deserve it & It WORKS!
Related Articles
- There Are No Ordinary Journeys (itakeoffthemask.com)
- Walking the Pathless Path (beliefnet.com)
- "Eat, Pray, Love" Devotees Can Experience Inspiring Journey of their Own With New Online Application, Coaching Sanctuary (prweb.com)
- Deepak Chopra: Walking the Pathless Path (huffingtonpost.com)
Breaking the Addiction of a Bad Relationship
The first step in Breaking a Relationship Addiction would be to define the addiction: An addictive relationship is defined as being addicted to a particular relationship and feeling great anxiety and despair (withdrawal symtpoms) when trying to pull back or get away from that relationship. Just as in any other addiciton, relationship addiction is a state of losing yourself to an outside force. Addicts often suffer through bad (sometimes abusive) relationships rather than risk the chance of being abandoned - or being alone. It is not alcohol, heroin, pills or pot that is the drug; it's another person.
As in all addictions an addictive relationship can be damaging. The relationship and all of it's trappings cause isolation, loss of self-esteem, self resources and self respect due to the result of losing the vital "connection" to self. The stress, anxiety and despair resulting, can cause real havoc on the body. It can exhibit itself in real health issues such as; decreased immunity, migraines, high blood pressure, substance abuse, clinical depression and in some cases as severe as suicide.
How do we recognize an Addictive Relationship?Recognizing the addiction can be different for everyone. As in all things in life. Not everyone is the same.
Here are some key points:
Approval: Living a life solely based on what another person does or does not do. A craving for approval of what your goals are and basing those goals on the approval of another. Feeling good relies on getting approval from others. Only feel good about themselves if they feel "liked" by others
Losing Self: Losing interest in personal goals, interests and entertainment. Nothing is as interesting as seeing the relationship happy. Your relationship's happiness is central to your own. Hobbies and interests are sacrificed to share the interests/hobbies of others
Accepting: Accepting of aspects in your relationship that you don't agree with, and that may be unhealthy for you, just to maintain the relationship.
Addicts often are not honest in expressing opinions or desires; fears of rejection or anger keep them from discovering or revealing their emotions.
Dillusion: Unhealthy attachment to trying to change or modify the relationship aspects that are painful. Telling themselves they are over-sensitive, jealous, needy. Believing they can change and become the person the relationship needs.
Unworthy: Experience feelings of unworthiness or nothingness without the relationship. They have an inability to see life or happiness outside of the relationship.
Powerless: Often feel lost, empty, powerless, depressed. Completely jaded to the ability of the self.
Crave Attention: Crave attention from the relationship whether, positive or negative. They feel abandoned and anxious when the other person pulls back and is isolating, so they "act out" in whatever way will end in attention. This sometimes is evidenced by, multiple phone calls, nasty messages, sexual overtone or enticement, romantic promises etc..
Frustration: Ultimately this relationship doesn't work. The addicted party does in fact have needs whether recognized or not. Those needs are not met in a one-sided relationship. Thus frustration occurs. The addicted one then exhibits behavior that can be defined as "out of control". ie: rage, crying, screaming, exhibitionism, attention seeking and sometimes physical violence to self, or others.
Staying too long: Lastly, this person has been in a relationship for quite awhile that, generally, is unhappy. Author Jewel Taylor states ""People have convinced themselves that there is a shortage of good men and women, so they're just thankful to have `somebody.' Some would rather be in a bad relationship than no relationship." The reasons are plentiful. Books have been authored solely on this subject.
Recognition of such an unhealthy existence is a major part of being able to conquer it. Once recognized as unhealthy, the participant can move forward toward health and to "Self". Increasing independance and self-worth through confidence building exercises and daily inner exploration of the self through journalling, can be the first steps to freedom.
JOURNALLING
When journalling, the reading back over time periods, gains confidence through personal goal setting and comparison of day to day accomplishments. As the first few entries will most likely be based on anxiety and fear, (withdrawal symptoms) comparing those entries to latter entries in the following days will let the participant clearly see the ability to move forward without negative consequence and actual fulfillment of personal goals. Instilling affirmation of Independant happiness.
Physical ActivityWalking and affirming are great motivators. No competition. No goal. Just simply walking to walk. Simply walking for 30 mins, 3 times a week can be a mood elevator. This gives us the ability to be alone with our thoughtsaffirming a gift to ourself.
Physically; Walking can increase the production of "Endorphins", a natural "opiate". A brain chemical that makes you feel good!
This will replace the need for the negative chemicals the brain was trained to need previously. Walking has several health benefits that also include making it easier to sleep.
Tips for walking would include a device that makes it possible for you to listen to your favorite music, or record some affirmations and play them while you walk. Reinforce what's RIGHT and GOOD in your life.You can listen and recite them as you walk along. Pick a favorite place to walk. A beach, a beautiful path, a busy downtown avenue. Something that excites you. Remember this is a gift to yourself! YOU deserve it!
There are several websites and resources for Relationship / Love addictions. I have included some at the end.
As in anything, talking with a professional may lighten the load and give you an added resource from someone who won't judge you.
Someone who is paid to listen and has a vested interest in your success.
My personal interest in the issue is this:
You need to realize at some point that YOU are the only one who can live your life.
No matter how much you would like someone to be more important, or how much you convince yourself that you just don't matter to anyone.
It is YOUR life. YOUR experience. Honestly life will go on with or without you. Everyone has THEIR own life. YOU make it what YOU want it to be. If you are miserable where you are, then it's where YOU want to be. If not, CHANGE IT! It REALLY is that simple.
At the end of the day, we are all given a certain amount of time on earth, It's like a vacation. Either choose all the activities or choose to lay on the beach. But it is YOUR CHOICE. Just dont sit and find excuses to waste the time...You owe yourself more.
Thoughts on, Why people stay? Let me know.. Don't agree with me, let me know that too.
Next time: Plain Inspiration
Related Articles
- Nine Types of Love Addicts (socyberty.com)
- http://relationshipaddict.com/
The Science behind a Bad Relationship
There is Science behind a Bad Relationship...Can you believe it?
Among the readings I have recently ingested. I came upon a video and a subsequent article that stated that we are in the relationships we are in simply because its what we know. We know how to deal with our current relationship, no matter how hard or how difficult. No matter how unhealthy, we go back time and time again because it's what we know. Learning new ways of dealing with things would be uncomfortable and open us up to feeling things outside of our comfort zone therefore producing anxiety, vulnerability and emotional overload. So we maintain our survivor modes.
Or as some would say, we put on our "Martyr Capes".
If this sounds all too familiar to you, then try this on for size;
There is a science to this madness.
The brain's receptors are desensitized to the trappings of the current relationship. It's what the Brain has come to know as "normal". We can function. This is what we know. This is what we're used to. We have been conditioned, just like Pavlovs dogs. If we veer outside of this, we are uncomfortable.
Have you ever broken up with someone and dated someone new? Upon going on a date with this "new" person, you felt out of place? Mistrusting? Felt as though this person doesnt know you, and that they are just feeding you the lines they think you want to hear? So mistrusting that it is almost impossible to have a good time?
This "new" experience is outside of your comfort zone! Yelling, screaming, criticism, apathy and arguing is your norm. Someone being nice , complimenting you, and listening to you, just for the enjoyment of spending time with you is foreign! This new incoming information doesnt line up with what your brain knows as "normal"and the body responds with uneasy feelings and real discomfort.
Believe me, when I heard this information, I was floored. I guess because I am used to science being the constant in my life, I trust science to explain many things, but my relationship? Wow!
The article states that this phenomena is comparative to "drug & alcohal addiction". The hypothalmus (part of the brain) makes certain chemicals (peptides) that match up with certain emotions we experience on a daily basis. So there are chemicals identified to correlate with anger, sadness, joy, victimization, love, etc.. Immediately upon experiencing this emotion, the brain produces the chemical and releases it into the bloodstream and the flow takes it to the "receptors". (receptors: arms or hands that act as gateways to the inside of cells) When the chemical (peptide) reaches the receptor it locks in. The chemical (peptide) then sends a signal into the cell.
Experience of this continually conditions those receptors, and shapes how we think and respond. An overload of this chemical to the receptor, changes the receptor. Therefore also changes the cell. The cell before this chemical, had an instructional guide. It had a job to do and knew what chemicals it needed to do that job. But when we overload it with one certain chemical the instructions change. The cell doesnt recognize good or bad.
It only recognizes the presence of this chemical. This chemical is so strong and so frequent that the cell now recognizes a need for it. When the cell realizes a reduction in the chemical it looks for it. The cell sends a message to the brain, "I need my fix today". The brain then looks for the stimulus for this chemical, which was the Emotion that produced it. So if your anger or frustration, or depression caused that chemical to be produced, your body is now seeking it.
The brain now looks for things to cause the emotion, so that the chemical will be released from the hypothalamus. Even if you decide to leave the relationship. The need of your body for that chemical draws you back to the stimulus. (the bad relationship)
It needs the "fix" of depression or anger. If you are not in the relationship the brain takes to your memory to depress you. It needs it's fix. Your body is now addicted to your anger and depression.
We are physical, chemical and emotional beings.
This is what makes us human. This only becomes a limitation when we keep accessing those same emotions and attitudes on a daily basis, that don't serve us and go nowhere in terms of growth or evolution within the relationship.
How can we say that we want a better relationship, when we are experiencing and reacting to the same emotions and experiences everyday?
How about this? A new chemical comes into play.
It might be the right chemical, produced by the right emotion but the brain recognizes it as "abnormal" and triggers the body to respond accordingly. We have trained our brain to be unable to recognize what is good for us. Now, when the "new peaceful and joyous experiences" that our heart, body and peaceful mind really need and is actually good for us, won't be recognized by our brain. We actually are now uncomfortable, because of the new "joyous" experiences. We dont know how to react. Now what?
Interesting stuff....
Next time: How to break the addiction of a Bad relationship.
Among the readings I have recently ingested. I came upon a video and a subsequent article that stated that we are in the relationships we are in simply because its what we know. We know how to deal with our current relationship, no matter how hard or how difficult. No matter how unhealthy, we go back time and time again because it's what we know. Learning new ways of dealing with things would be uncomfortable and open us up to feeling things outside of our comfort zone therefore producing anxiety, vulnerability and emotional overload. So we maintain our survivor modes.
Or as some would say, we put on our "Martyr Capes".
If this sounds all too familiar to you, then try this on for size;
There is a science to this madness.
The brain's receptors are desensitized to the trappings of the current relationship. It's what the Brain has come to know as "normal". We can function. This is what we know. This is what we're used to. We have been conditioned, just like Pavlovs dogs. If we veer outside of this, we are uncomfortable.
Have you ever broken up with someone and dated someone new? Upon going on a date with this "new" person, you felt out of place? Mistrusting? Felt as though this person doesnt know you, and that they are just feeding you the lines they think you want to hear? So mistrusting that it is almost impossible to have a good time?
This "new" experience is outside of your comfort zone! Yelling, screaming, criticism, apathy and arguing is your norm. Someone being nice , complimenting you, and listening to you, just for the enjoyment of spending time with you is foreign! This new incoming information doesnt line up with what your brain knows as "normal"and the body responds with uneasy feelings and real discomfort.
Believe me, when I heard this information, I was floored. I guess because I am used to science being the constant in my life, I trust science to explain many things, but my relationship? Wow!
The article states that this phenomena is comparative to "drug & alcohal addiction". The hypothalmus (part of the brain) makes certain chemicals (peptides) that match up with certain emotions we experience on a daily basis. So there are chemicals identified to correlate with anger, sadness, joy, victimization, love, etc.. Immediately upon experiencing this emotion, the brain produces the chemical and releases it into the bloodstream and the flow takes it to the "receptors". (receptors: arms or hands that act as gateways to the inside of cells) When the chemical (peptide) reaches the receptor it locks in. The chemical (peptide) then sends a signal into the cell.
Experience of this continually conditions those receptors, and shapes how we think and respond. An overload of this chemical to the receptor, changes the receptor. Therefore also changes the cell. The cell before this chemical, had an instructional guide. It had a job to do and knew what chemicals it needed to do that job. But when we overload it with one certain chemical the instructions change. The cell doesnt recognize good or bad.
It only recognizes the presence of this chemical. This chemical is so strong and so frequent that the cell now recognizes a need for it. When the cell realizes a reduction in the chemical it looks for it. The cell sends a message to the brain, "I need my fix today". The brain then looks for the stimulus for this chemical, which was the Emotion that produced it. So if your anger or frustration, or depression caused that chemical to be produced, your body is now seeking it.
The brain now looks for things to cause the emotion, so that the chemical will be released from the hypothalamus. Even if you decide to leave the relationship. The need of your body for that chemical draws you back to the stimulus. (the bad relationship)
It needs the "fix" of depression or anger. If you are not in the relationship the brain takes to your memory to depress you. It needs it's fix. Your body is now addicted to your anger and depression.
We are physical, chemical and emotional beings.
This is what makes us human. This only becomes a limitation when we keep accessing those same emotions and attitudes on a daily basis, that don't serve us and go nowhere in terms of growth or evolution within the relationship.
How can we say that we want a better relationship, when we are experiencing and reacting to the same emotions and experiences everyday?
How about this? A new chemical comes into play.
It might be the right chemical, produced by the right emotion but the brain recognizes it as "abnormal" and triggers the body to respond accordingly. We have trained our brain to be unable to recognize what is good for us. Now, when the "new peaceful and joyous experiences" that our heart, body and peaceful mind really need and is actually good for us, won't be recognized by our brain. We actually are now uncomfortable, because of the new "joyous" experiences. We dont know how to react. Now what?
Interesting stuff....
Next time: How to break the addiction of a Bad relationship.
Related Articles
- Rick Hanson, Ph.D.: Fire up Those Neurons for Positive Thinking (huffingtonpost.com)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)