Holiday Stress?? Don't take it Personally....

   As we enter Christmas Week, the air is getting thick with anxiety and trepidation. You hear all around you the words "Holiday Stress". These words are touted around the water cooler, in the newspaper and on the Evening News, as an outbreak of the latest disease. Let's address the idea of "stress". Stress is defined here as : "Emphasis" importance or significance attached to a thing. It goes on to describe this "stress" as "a specific response by the body to a stimulus, as fear or pain, that disturbs or interferes with the normal physiological equilibrium of an organism". The most integral definition I found was the mechanical one: "An action that causes strain or deformation".

   Wow! Holiday "Stress" is it really that bad? Are we really wanting to attach such a detrimental label on an occasion that brings families together to celebrate a Holiday? Let's break this down.
In America, we spend the months of November and December fretting and anticipating the idea of gathering with friends and family, exchanging gifts, listening to music, spending time at events, having conversations and experiencing the joy that is Christmas. Why should this bring "stress"? The answer is pretty simple.
   We anticipate the worst outcome. "Oh my God, I have to go to the Mall. It's going to be packed, I'm going to have to park in Guam, it will take forever, I will spend too much and they won't even like what I get anyway." Tell me you are not putting this thought out there! You know you are!
   It's really not that bad. If we just stop and not take this so personally we might get through unscathed and shockingly enough "ENJOY" the season. Let's take it issue by issue:
Shopping: There are several issues within this one small task. Traffic, Parking, Crowds, Long Lines & Item availability. My ideas are simple. First, please be organized. Know what you need before you even start out. Know what your looking for a list helps. Perusing the sale pages helps too. That's a great start.
   The Drive: Take a moment as you get in the car. Sit in the drivers seat, before you put on your seat belt, and take a deep breath, eyes closed. Prepare your mind, Prepare your heart. Take one step at a time. Address only what is right in front of you at the moment. After the deep breath, say out loud to yourself and anyone who may be with you. (yes the child in the car seat and the teenager and most definitely the growling spouse) I (we) am going to enjoy this ride. I am going to get to where I am going easily and find a front parking space. Affirm this. Make a point of knowing in your mind exactly what you ARE going to do. This sets you up for success, as in anything else your universe takes your direction. Then put your favorite music on the radio. Strap in and glide to your destination without incident. The most important part of this is that you BELIEVE this. Know it is true. I can tell you from experience it most definitely works. I do it every time I leave my house.

   The Store: Ok, you are now sitting in your front parking space amazed...but smiling. As you park, turn off your car (so the person cursing you behind you knows he should have had a better attitude before he left home), Take another deep breath, be grateful say thank you then affirm for the next step. "I am going to greet everyone I see with a smile. Everyone I come in contact with will be pleasant and happy to assist me. I will find everything I need and get out in a timely fashion." Smile and believe this to be true. Get out of your car and walk into the store. Smile. It's Christmas! A few things to be mindful of: Be careful of your

expectations of the people who work in the stores. Smile always, be pleasant. It will be refreshing to the employee and you will get better results. Ignore the environment. Feel bad for those who are not enjoying their experience. Feel good for yourself. Feel good that you can and will have a pleasant experience. It is YOUR choice. Make it a good one. Lastly, When you are done and sitting in your car smiling with amazement, say THANK YOU. Now affirming for the drive home should be a breeze!

Family Gatherings, The Relatives and
The Office Party:

Here's a thought: Life in general is an experience lived by individuals. Each person lives their life through their own view. People live in their own world, in their own story. They invest all their faith in that story, and that story is truth for them, but it’s a relative truth, because it’s not truth for you. If you can see that all their opinions about you really concern the character who lives in their perception, not in yours it would be harder to take anything they say personally. The "you" they are judging in your name is a character they have created  with their perceptions of interactions with you. Whatever people think of you is really about the image they have of you, and that image isn’t you. No matter which way you look at it, People are going to think what they think. Even with your best intentions at hand, you cannot change another person. So, in this vain, Enjoy your life for YOU. Do what You feel is right, and do the best you know how to do. Nobody can expect more of you. If they do, they were expecting more than they should have, and it's on them. Not your issue.

The Bottom Line: Enjoying the Holidays is a choice as in everything else. Don't put expectations on yourself. Just enjoy the moment. If you expect to enjoy them you will! Just as if you expect to hate it You will! Just make the right choice. You are only responsible for your experience.

Happy Holidays my friends.

Life Happens...to everybody

Ok, so previously, I told you that my frame of reference was that if I worked hard I would get security.
My definition of security: "Being able to pay my bills and live the life I was accustomed to." I never aspired to be Rockefeller. I just wanted to be content. I wanted my life back.

Today, my research and reading, have lead me to another school of thought and it brings about new questions. What do I want?

Does wallowing in my misery give me what I want ? Does the darkness of my life console me and lull me into a coma ? Is that why I so easily accept this? Do I not remember what it was to fight back? I think it has been so long since I've won a fight, that it's hard to imagine. Remember, I'm not only fighting the world outside, I have my santuary (home) in turmoil also.

But, Try this:
Do you remember what it was like as a kid to swing on the swings at the park, not a care in the world. Just living life and dreaming of tomorrow? Looking up, basking in the warm afternoon sunlight and feeling the wind wash over you as you moved across the sky on your swing? Remember that?  What did you dream?  Did you dream you would be a pilot? a nurse? a baker? maybe, rich like Rockefeller?
Do you remember how it felt to dream those dreams? It was exciting, right? It was fun, right?  So, What happened? Why did the dreaming stop? Did you attain those dreams? Did you continue to dream? Or, did you go on in life and "Grow Up". To some people "Growing Up" means giving up their dreams and aspirations for the life THEY want to live and accept the life that has happened to them. That's what happened to me, kinda.

I used to sit in the park across from my house on the merry go round. I use to spin and spin, feeling the wind rush past me, as I propelled myself with one sneakered foot in the dirt. I would close my eyes and daydream about my life. I saw myself with a man I was head over heels in love with, surrounded by our beautiful children. We would own a beautiful modest home in the little New England town we grew up in and live happily ever after. That excited me!  The thought of a wonderful future.

 So, what happened? Did I get my Happily Ever After?  Did I get what I so "childishly" dreamed for?

I did!

As I said, I'm a fighter. I believed I deserved everything I wanted. (well at least I use to)
I fell in love, in High School. I found a wonderful Man who understood and fought with me for everything we wanted! We worked hard. Sometimes we both had 2 jobs! We bought the house, we had a beautiful son. We were a team!

My dreams came true. I felt contentment. I felt safe. I felt successful. I had the dream come true! I have to admit that at the time I might not have realized it. But I have found that life (or the Universe, or God) has a way of making you look at things and see things in a way you didnt see at the time.
I didnt stop dreaming though. The excitement was always in tomorrow. I enjoyed today and lived for tomorrow. Mark and I spent many mornings cuddled in bed, pillow talking about out next adventure. It is something dreams are made of today.
So how did I get to this place in my life?
Life happened. We all have things that happen in our life that we never see coming. How we react to them, is what shapes what happens next.

Two months before my husband's 40th birthday, He died. Life as I knew it was over. My best friend in the whole world, was gone. The person that I had been with for more than 20 years of my life. The only person in the world who understood my values, my core, my dreams, Was gone. The bottom of my world fell out. You see, I know what it's like to have to deal with what life gives you and what life takes away. To feel as though the rug was pulled out from under me and still have to go on and live life was infathomable.
I had no choice. I had a 13 yr old son who looked at me when His life had changed forever and now realized I was all he had.

When he woke at night with nightmares, I had to tell him we would be ok. Even though I had no idea how we could.  I spent night after night at my bedroom door listening, for the slightest whimper so that he wouldnt have to endure the terror of his dreams. I had to go on. We had to go on. I had to prove we were going to be OK and we were. We did it! We lived through it.
It meant that I didnt have to believe what the people around me defined as "Life".
It takes thought, and mental struggle sometimes to think of how every situation can be, or at the very least lead to, something positive. It takes getting up and brushing yourself off. The wind is knocked out of you, no doubt.  But at that moment you HAVE to get up!

Life (or God, or the Universe) hands you situations. You then have a choice. This is Free Will. How do I handle it?

Well, how does it fit into MY plan? Does it fit into MY plan? Does it derail my plan?

There is a school of thought that says "We plan and God Laughs".  I use to think that was funny. I dont think so anymore. I think its surrender.
Anhhh, I have no control. God has other plans for me. Wow, how important are we? We dont have to do anything, God will just take care of everything. It's HIS plan. We don't even need to think about it. If that were the case, Why do anything? Why make the effort to get out of bed? why eat? why live? You're  just God's puppet, when he wants you to do something he'll do it.

Right?

Ahhhhh, Remember a little while ago..I said almost the same thing. I gave up. I didnt understand why I needed to do anything because no matter what I did the outcome would be the same.
I was wrong. WE make our own OUTCOMES! IT's true! We are given signs, situations, and circumstances.  We then can make decisions and take actions. This is what brings about the Outcome!  IT's true! I swear it's TRUE! I'll show you
.
See you tomorrow.

Talk to me, Leave me a Comment.  Let me know where you are in this universe. Let me know what your situation is. Let me know how you have responded to life.

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How your Mindset can be the key to how you view your life

 In our last session, I explained that my mindset was one of settling. I didn't see a difference between one lifestyle and the other.
I know now that this "mindset" was the side effect of depression in exorbitant parameters, but it was MY mindset.
Did I have to be as miserable as everyone else around me?  Misery was my frame of reference. How was I recognize something to be grateful for?  What did I have to be grateful for?  I couldn't see it. Was it that my boyfriend gave me a roof over my head and food to eat without charging me the $500.00 rent he usually charged me? I was living essentially for free. It was hard to see and this is why:  I feel as many other women do, that  if a man "takes care of you" he makes sure you know He has control and that you need to do what makes HIM happy or you will lose what little you existence you do have. Well in my experience anyway... So I made sure I did everything humanly possible to maintain my existence.  So I felt it payment in full.  Trade equity: Equal. It's not like if I didn't live there he wouldn't pay electricity, or cable. But, if I didn't live there, he would be doing his own laundry and cook all of his own meals; including the lunches he saved 50-60 dollars a week on. Not to mention the lowered B/P and Blood Sugar and 8 lb weight loss from cutting out Fast Food. Trade Equity: Equal (at best).
I am human in any event.  Although I know I am "screwed", I try to accept my situation and in accepting my situation, I sometimes choose to ignore the fact that as a human being I should at least expect to be treated with respect. It makes the day go by easier. If I don't think about it, it doesn't matter.
As in any couple, we have fights. I said I was human, not super-human. I do sometimes speak up when I think enough is enough and usually that's when He drinks.  As it turns out that comes to be almost every weekend, as he says "He WORKS and he deserves to have a drink (or 6) on his day off."  When he drinks he is not to be talked to. This is one of the rules. As he explains it, I shouldn't talk to him because it could change his mood, and that can change everything!
You see I have my Brave moments when I don't see the whole picture Moments when I think that being spoken to for more than 6 hours @ a decibel that every neighbor can hear becomes intolerable.  The result of that is He throws me and my belongings literally in the street. Many times, I have sat at the curb, with nobody to call, no phone to call them with, and nowhere to go. Just sitting there at first thinking, I've had enough. Nobody should live this way. Something has to give. Then the reality of the situation comes to me and I am still sitting on the curb ALONE.  After a few hours he comes out and apologizes and explains that even in MY anger,  I should know better than to change his mood when he is drinking. He then asks me to come back in.
Of course I do, because I See no other choice. No options. My mindset tells me "This is my life". (stay on the roof, someday, someone will come)
I know that everyone has their trials, and learning experiences but this is mine. (for now) I was once told by someone close to me that I was lucky that he wasn't physically violent. Isnt that sad? This person actually thought it uplifting to say that I should be glad that he isn't beating me?  I have to disagree.
I should be glad to find a way to make Myself happy so that I never want to look to another to do so!  To truly feel like you have NO options and feel at the mercy of another is a horrible existence.
No matter the circumstance. Self Esteem is nonexistent, self loathing is a daily ritual. I have to admit, had I not had a son, suicide was my answer. And sometimes I even contemplated what contribution I really was to his life...(the idea of: jumping off the roof into the water, not even waiting for the boat ::shaking my head::) I wanted nothing more than to simply make the emotional pain stop.  I never once thought to look toward what I did want, rather than what I did not! You know what they say...You attract what you think. Wow! How powerful is that? How powerful is it to realize, You attract this to your life?
I want to feel better. I know that the way I feel isn't "Me". I'm a fighter. I can take care of myself. I've done it before! What was different then?
My life has taken many twists and turns that have made me look inward and find the strength to go on. To believe that I can change the situation, for whatever reason.
My husband, my son's father, died. I knew what it was to lose all sense of yourself and have to learn how to go on ALONE.
After that life altering experience, I was the person that other people turned to, for a smile, for company, for support to "get a life". How did I get from there to here? What happened? What happened  to me?

I got here because, Life Happened and I didn't respond. Simple as that. This is Life on the other side of happiness.

Coming up tomorrow, Dont give up yet!

Shelley Marsden says:  "The conscious mind can only hold one thought at a time either positive or negative. When we have negative thoughts on a regular basis we start to feel down and depressed, we get annoyed by little things, we notice aches and pains, and use language that keeps us in this downward spiral such as, I can't or I'm rubbish, when in this cycle it is hard to stop and becomes a habit, this becomes our experience and our truth. If we become aware of our negative thoughts and resolve to change each one to a more positive vein of thinking, this will after a time become a habit and our experience of life will reflect this."

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