Monday, December 13, 2010

Life everybody

Ok, so previously, I told you that my frame of reference was that if I worked hard I would get security.
My definition of security: "Being able to pay my bills and live the life I was accustomed to." I never aspired to be Rockefeller. I just wanted to be content. I wanted my life back.

Today, my research and reading, have lead me to another school of thought and it brings about new questions. What do I want?

Does wallowing in my misery give me what I want ? Does the darkness of my life console me and lull me into a coma ? Is that why I so easily accept this? Do I not remember what it was to fight back? I think it has been so long since I've won a fight, that it's hard to imagine. Remember, I'm not only fighting the world outside, I have my santuary (home) in turmoil also.

But, Try this:
Do you remember what it was like as a kid to swing on the swings at the park, not a care in the world. Just living life and dreaming of tomorrow? Looking up, basking in the warm afternoon sunlight and feeling the wind wash over you as you moved across the sky on your swing? Remember that?  What did you dream?  Did you dream you would be a pilot? a nurse? a baker? maybe, rich like Rockefeller?
Do you remember how it felt to dream those dreams? It was exciting, right? It was fun, right?  So, What happened? Why did the dreaming stop? Did you attain those dreams? Did you continue to dream? Or, did you go on in life and "Grow Up". To some people "Growing Up" means giving up their dreams and aspirations for the life THEY want to live and accept the life that has happened to them. That's what happened to me, kinda.

I used to sit in the park across from my house on the merry go round. I use to spin and spin, feeling the wind rush past me, as I propelled myself with one sneakered foot in the dirt. I would close my eyes and daydream about my life. I saw myself with a man I was head over heels in love with, surrounded by our beautiful children. We would own a beautiful modest home in the little New England town we grew up in and live happily ever after. That excited me!  The thought of a wonderful future.

 So, what happened? Did I get my Happily Ever After?  Did I get what I so "childishly" dreamed for?

I did!

As I said, I'm a fighter. I believed I deserved everything I wanted. (well at least I use to)
I fell in love, in High School. I found a wonderful Man who understood and fought with me for everything we wanted! We worked hard. Sometimes we both had 2 jobs! We bought the house, we had a beautiful son. We were a team!

My dreams came true. I felt contentment. I felt safe. I felt successful. I had the dream come true! I have to admit that at the time I might not have realized it. But I have found that life (or the Universe, or God) has a way of making you look at things and see things in a way you didnt see at the time.
I didnt stop dreaming though. The excitement was always in tomorrow. I enjoyed today and lived for tomorrow. Mark and I spent many mornings cuddled in bed, pillow talking about out next adventure. It is something dreams are made of today.
So how did I get to this place in my life?
Life happened. We all have things that happen in our life that we never see coming. How we react to them, is what shapes what happens next.

Two months before my husband's 40th birthday, He died. Life as I knew it was over. My best friend in the whole world, was gone. The person that I had been with for more than 20 years of my life. The only person in the world who understood my values, my core, my dreams, Was gone. The bottom of my world fell out. You see, I know what it's like to have to deal with what life gives you and what life takes away. To feel as though the rug was pulled out from under me and still have to go on and live life was infathomable.
I had no choice. I had a 13 yr old son who looked at me when His life had changed forever and now realized I was all he had.

When he woke at night with nightmares, I had to tell him we would be ok. Even though I had no idea how we could.  I spent night after night at my bedroom door listening, for the slightest whimper so that he wouldnt have to endure the terror of his dreams. I had to go on. We had to go on. I had to prove we were going to be OK and we were. We did it! We lived through it.
It meant that I didnt have to believe what the people around me defined as "Life".
It takes thought, and mental struggle sometimes to think of how every situation can be, or at the very least lead to, something positive. It takes getting up and brushing yourself off. The wind is knocked out of you, no doubt.  But at that moment you HAVE to get up!

Life (or God, or the Universe) hands you situations. You then have a choice. This is Free Will. How do I handle it?

Well, how does it fit into MY plan? Does it fit into MY plan? Does it derail my plan?

There is a school of thought that says "We plan and God Laughs".  I use to think that was funny. I dont think so anymore. I think its surrender.
Anhhh, I have no control. God has other plans for me. Wow, how important are we? We dont have to do anything, God will just take care of everything. It's HIS plan. We don't even need to think about it. If that were the case, Why do anything? Why make the effort to get out of bed? why eat? why live? You're  just God's puppet, when he wants you to do something he'll do it.


Ahhhhh, Remember a little while ago..I said almost the same thing. I gave up. I didnt understand why I needed to do anything because no matter what I did the outcome would be the same.
I was wrong. WE make our own OUTCOMES! IT's true! We are given signs, situations, and circumstances.  We then can make decisions and take actions. This is what brings about the Outcome!  IT's true! I swear it's TRUE! I'll show you
See you tomorrow.

Talk to me, Leave me a Comment.  Let me know where you are in this universe. Let me know what your situation is. Let me know how you have responded to life.

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