Yesterday I mentioned in passing that I thought my boyfriend should pick up his socks from the bathroom floor. Remember how I said that I found out that he "Shouldn't because he Doesn't" Well there's a little more to that story. I have to again reiterate an argument is NEVER just about the socks, and if we realize that before we start "grumbling and bitching and moaning" and taking precious time and happiness out of our lives for the sake of SOCKS. We truly can look at it as JUST SOCKS! Not through the barrage of thoughts flowing through the mind coming from left field....
So, if I want the socks picked up from the floor, then I can do it. Seems kind of passive. And when I first started learning about this new path, I thought Oh, God..here we go, If I want something done I have to do it. Nobody else needs to be accountable for themselves. I had to look at it again and again and again. I'm kinda stubborn like that. I get an idea in my head and its concrete. It's needs "jackhammering" to get it out. I could not get my head or my heart around the idea that someone shouldn't do something just to make ME feel better. I kept having thoughts in my head, "If he loves and respects me, he will be more thoughtful". Boy was that a farce. Really? He doesn't love me or respect me because he leaves the socks on the floor? I put other things in there too...like Oh my God, socks on the floor again??? He does this on purpose! He knows I'm going to pick this up! HE just leaves it there for me to do! Just reading that statement makes me laugh. Just like I'm sure he has thoughts in his mind something like, "God, if she loved me more she'd realize that I need more sex and she should want to give it to me so I don't have look anywhere else. I should have an affair. She doesn't love me enough to keep me happy in the bedroom anyway!" May seem extreme but, the 2 sets of statements are similarly outrageous!
Yes there are authors who say "Give and take" are what make a happy relationship. And in some way I agree. I agree, that when you feel validated and listened to in a relationship you like spending time with that person. But if you are truly happy, deep within happy, the relationship will mirror that. Your innerspeak is the beginning of the peace you need. You don't have to do a thing but change the way you think. Moreover, I think that my understanding of the human psyche has proven to me that the freedom received from forgiving someone for not being what YOU want them to be is much more reliable. I needed to stop applying my expectations to another human being. If I have a need or want, that has to be met, then I am the one who needs to fulfill it. Only I KNOW for sure how to do that.
Now, some would say, if I fulfill all of my own needs, why do I need a life partner? Ahhhhhhhh, I truly don't NEED a Life Partner. I want a relationship. I want emotional bonding. I want someone to talk with, someone to share experiences with. As a whole, Humans are social animals. We don't thrive well alone. Too much time alone makes us the cat hoarding people.
We simply should just recognize that being with someone isn't the food of life. It isn't what fulfills us. It's not the "completion" process. Being with someone is an addition to an already wonderful life experience. An additional person can add a different view of things, companionship, someone to share with. All too often we use these people as validation of success in ourselves. "I have a great marriage!" the woman exclaims as her husband is seen checking out the blonde across the room. If we just internally validate and believe that we are all that we need to be and are doing everything WE need to be doing in the way WE need to be doing it, then we would be so much more at peace and fulfilled with our Lives.
We need to do whats right for us! This is MY life. I get ONE shot. One performance. One screening. When I am on my death-bed, looking over the footage and pictures of the years of my life, I want to know that it was MY experience. Not one I lived for someone else. If I had someone at my side along the way that shared in it then I was truly Blessed! If not then it was a wonderful ride anyway..
Why should I choose to give my one life experience to someone else? It really comes down to that. The CHOICE. Everything is a CHOICE.
Did I do what I wanted to do with my time on earth? Did I enjoy my life? Did I choose the best life I could have? Nobody else makes those choices for us! NOBODY. No matter the situation, you ALWAYS have a choice. Yes ALWAYS! Yes, even with someone holding a gun to your head, YOU have a choice. It is my choice to seek the BEST life experience possible. I owe that to ME. Hope you make that same choice.
I see and hear only through the filter of my story. My world, my life, my experience is only my perception.
- It's Not About Me (joelcomm.com)