I know now that this "mindset" was the side effect of depression in exorbitant parameters, but it was MY mindset.
Did I have to be as miserable as everyone else around me? Misery was my frame of reference. How was I recognize something to be grateful for? What did I have to be grateful for? I couldn't see it. Was it that my boyfriend gave me a roof over my head and food to eat without charging me the $500.00 rent he usually charged me? I was living essentially for free. It was hard to see and this is why: I feel as many other women do, that if a man "takes care of you" he makes sure you know He has control and that you need to do what makes HIM happy or you will lose what little you existence you do have. Well in my experience anyway... So I made sure I did everything humanly possible to maintain my existence. So I felt it payment in full. Trade equity: Equal. It's not like if I didn't live there he wouldn't pay electricity, or cable. But, if I didn't live there, he would be doing his own laundry and cook all of his own meals; including the lunches he saved 50-60 dollars a week on. Not to mention the lowered B/P and Blood Sugar and 8 lb weight loss from cutting out Fast Food. Trade Equity: Equal (at best).
I am human in any event. Although I know I am "screwed", I try to accept my situation and in accepting my situation, I sometimes choose to ignore the fact that as a human being I should at least expect to be treated with respect. It makes the day go by easier. If I don't think about it, it doesn't matter.
As in any couple, we have fights. I said I was human, not super-human. I do sometimes speak up when I think enough is enough and usually that's when He drinks. As it turns out that comes to be almost every weekend, as he says "He WORKS and he deserves to have a drink (or 6) on his day off." When he drinks he is not to be talked to. This is one of the rules. As he explains it, I shouldn't talk to him because it could change his mood, and that can change everything!
You see I have my Brave moments when I don't see the whole picture Moments when I think that being spoken to for more than 6 hours @ a decibel that every neighbor can hear becomes intolerable. The result of that is He throws me and my belongings literally in the street. Many times, I have sat at the curb, with nobody to call, no phone to call them with, and nowhere to go. Just sitting there at first thinking, I've had enough. Nobody should live this way. Something has to give. Then the reality of the situation comes to me and I am still sitting on the curb ALONE. After a few hours he comes out and apologizes and explains that even in MY anger, I should know better than to change his mood when he is drinking. He then asks me to come back in.
Of course I do, because I See no other choice. No options. My mindset tells me "This is my life". (stay on the roof, someday, someone will come)
I know that everyone has their trials, and learning experiences but this is mine. (for now) I was once told by someone close to me that I was lucky that he wasn't physically violent. Isnt that sad? This person actually thought it uplifting to say that I should be glad that he isn't beating me? I have to disagree.
I should be glad to find a way to make Myself happy so that I never want to look to another to do so! To truly feel like you have NO options and feel at the mercy of another is a horrible existence.
No matter the circumstance. Self Esteem is nonexistent, self loathing is a daily ritual. I have to admit, had I not had a son, suicide was my answer. And sometimes I even contemplated what contribution I really was to his life...(the idea of: jumping off the roof into the water, not even waiting for the boat ::shaking my head::) I wanted nothing more than to simply make the emotional pain stop. I never once thought to look toward what I did want, rather than what I did not! You know what they say...You attract what you think. Wow! How powerful is that? How powerful is it to realize, You attract this to your life?
I want to feel better. I know that the way I feel isn't "Me". I'm a fighter. I can take care of myself. I've done it before! What was different then?
My life has taken many twists and turns that have made me look inward and find the strength to go on. To believe that I can change the situation, for whatever reason.
My husband, my son's father, died. I knew what it was to lose all sense of yourself and have to learn how to go on ALONE.
After that life altering experience, I was the person that other people turned to, for a smile, for company, for support to "get a life". How did I get from there to here? What happened? What happened to me?
I got here because, Life Happened and I didn't respond. Simple as that. This is Life on the other side of happiness.
Coming up tomorrow, Dont give up yet!
Shelley Marsden says: "The conscious mind can only hold one thought at a time either positive or negative. When we have negative thoughts on a regular basis we start to feel down and depressed, we get annoyed by little things, we notice aches and pains, and use language that keeps us in this downward spiral such as, I can't or I'm rubbish, when in this cycle it is hard to stop and becomes a habit, this becomes our experience and our truth. If we become aware of our negative thoughts and resolve to change each one to a more positive vein of thinking, this will after a time become a habit and our experience of life will reflect this."
- Your inventing Mindset [Shelley Marsden] (ecademy.com)